[.just simply me.]

[.march 20, twothousandtwelve.]

so today i was rummaging through old journals that i have written in over the years. i had originally planned on finding all the songs i have written to find and write down into one notebook instead of the five they were in. as i was going through them, i found entries that i had written about you and me and when we first met and when we talked about how we liked each other and the first time we dated and then when we broke up how much i missed you and when i saw for the first time after we broke up that i felt everything all over again and knew that it shone in my eyes when you looked at me just as it had shone in yours when i looked at you and how we started talking again and trying to figure out if we still liked each other and wanted to be together and then we got back together and i wrote about how i wanted to be with you and make things work and for the first time i didn’t want to run or walk away and how no matter how hard i tried to keep my guard up, you got in and how i wanted to be with you and walk with you every step of the way through the good, the bad, and the in between, because i just wanted to be with you, and how i prayed for you all the time and just wanted the best for you because i cared about you so much and how the more and more we talked, the more i loved you.

i wasn’t thinking about finding these and reading them and remembering everything as to how you and i started. but i did and i was reminded of how we met and started talking and how the closer we got, the more we liked each other, and the more we liked each other, the more we grew to love each other. we have been through so much in the three and a half years we have known each other and while many don’t understand why it is that we still have hope and want to be together, i know that there is a reason for that and i don’t want to forget that. i know that you’ll be leaving soon to go to basic for the army and that we won’t be ab;e to talk as much or see each other for a while, but instead of letting that be a hindrance, i am going to try to let it be a challenge to strengthen what we have. i can’t promise you a happy ending. i can’t promise you that it will be easy, because it won’t. it’s going to be hard, and we’re gonna go from loving each other to hating each other, to loving each other again, just like we have in the past, but that’s what makes us stronger in that weird way that brings us together again. while you’re away, i am going to grow in who i am and in my faith and hope and pray that you do the same. i love you. sometimes i feel like everything we have gone through so far has just been God’s way of preparing us for the journey that is a head of us. i don’t know, but what i do know is that no matter what happens, God has a plan for both of us. 

“i want you to know that i will always be here for you no matter what. when ever you need to speak your mind, scream, a shoulder to cry on, or even just someone to hug. you know ill always be here and only a call or text away.”

even after all this time and after everything we have been through, he sends me this.

i don’t deserve any of it.

[.february 26th, twothousandtwelve.]

well, you were right. you knew that eventually i would miss you. and that is right now. see, the truth is, i can pretend all i want that there’s someone else out there for me and that i want something different, but i would be lying to everyone around me, including myself. i can’t pretend anymore. and i’m not saying this to get you to see this and notice or say anything, because i don’t expect you to. and i don’t blame you if you don’t. i hurt you a lot more than you ever hurt me. and i am so sorry. and i know that sorry doesn’t make everything better. and sorry doesn’t justify what i’ve done. and sorry doesn’t mean that things are going to be the same, or that they even could. sorry simply means that i was wrong. all along, i was completely and utterly wrong. and you were right. you were right about everything. i hope that if you see this, you can forgive me someday. i know it won’t happen now or anytime soon, and that’s understandable. but one day, i hope that you can. and when you leave to join the army, know that even though we won’t talk, you’ll be in my thoughts and my prayers. and remember one thing, when you feel like giving up, i’ll be the one rooting for you to keep going. that you’re strong enough to get through whatever is you face while you’re away. stay safe out there. please.

[.the best day.]

“and i had the best day with you, today.”

today was a really good day. despite the stress at work, just coming home and knowing that he was going to be there made the stress not too bad. i love the fact that he gets along with my family and my parents like him and approve. it makes me appreciate it all that much more. we hung out for the last four hours. and all we did was watch a movie that he had to watch for one of his classes. but just being with him and being able to spend time with him was enough. we laughed, we talked, and just enjoyed each other’s company. i am beginning to love nights like these.

[.a father’s love letter.]

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. - Psalms 139:2 

I am Familiar with all your ways.- Psalms 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. - Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my Image. - Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. - Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. - Acts- 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. - Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. - Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book - Psalms 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth, and where you would live. - Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. - Psalms 139:14

I knit you together in your mothers womb. - Psalms 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. - Psalms 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. - John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of LOVE. - 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love of you. - 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. - 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your Earthly Father ever could. - Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect Father. - Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you received comes from my hand. - James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. - Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

Because I Love you with an everlasting Love. - Jeremiah 29:11

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand or the sea shore. - Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. - Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. - Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my Treasure possession. - Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. - Jeremiah 30:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. - Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. - Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in my and I will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalms 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. - Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. - Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. - 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the father who comforts you in all your troubles. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are broken hearted, I am close to you. - Psalms 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. - Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. - Revelations 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this Earth. - Revelations 21:3-4

I am your father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. - John 17:23

For in Jesus my Love for you is revealed. - John 17:23

He is the exact representation of my being. - Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you not against you. - Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. - 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you could be reconciled. - 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression my love for you. - 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. - Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus you receive me. - 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. - Romans 8:31-32

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party Heaven has ever seen. - Luke 15:7

I have always been father, and will always be father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…will you be my child. - 2 John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you… - Luke 15:11-32

late night conversations with you are the best. :) i have missed them.

[.what i see in you.]

today i saw you for the first time in seven months. and i was asked what i even saw in you in the first place. so here goes.

when i met you, i never thought in a million years you would come to mean so much to me. as cliche as that might sound, is it the truth. you weren’t “my type,” and i always told myself you were the type of guy that i wouldn’t be with. but then i got to know you. i go to really know you for you. and who you are on the outside is nothing compared to who you are on the inside. on the outside, you’re like a wall that would seem to be unbreakable to everyone around you, only i know that that wall isn’t made out of concrete, but out of sand that could fall down at any moment. on the outside you seem tough, but i know that on the inside you have a soft heart that cares more about people than you let on. and you care more about other people than you do yourself. on the outside you’re quiet and reserved around a group of people, but on the inside you have a lot to say even though you don’t talk a lot. you love deeply, with your whole heart. nothing you do is done halfheartedly. and i don’t think that you eve realize that about yourself. your smile can light up a whole room. your laugh can too. you’re soft spoken, even when you’re angry or using a stern voice to get your point across. which i very much like because i hate yelling and fighting. i love when we used to drive around, we’d listen to the radio and sing the songs together. or when i made you the two cds and we’d listen to that and sing to miley cyrus and taylor swift together, even though you swore you never would. when you love someone, you don’t need reasons. you don’t love someone because of what they do for you, you love someone because of who they are. you can love certain qualities about someone, but that doesn’t make you love them. you don’t love a person that much more if they do something you like, nor do you love them that much less if they do something you don’t like. you just love them. love isn’t the feeling; it’s the decision. you love them whether you want to or not.  you love them whether you “feel” like it or not. you love them whether you think they deserve it or not. you love them whether they make you happy, sad, or so angry you could punch them. and that’s how i love you. i have always loved you and i always will love you. i could tell myself that i just don’t care anymore as much as i want to, but deep down, i know that’s not true. because i do, i love you. even after you broke my heart. and i broke yours too. yet even after all of that, here we are, still in each other’s lives. that’s gotta mean something. every time i pray about love and finding whoever it is God has in store for me, it all leads me back to you. and for the life of me i will not understand why. at least, i used to not understand why. now though, it’s starting to all make sense. i think that God keeps bringing us back to each other because only in Him, through Him, and with Him, are we then able to get past our past and see who we each are now and look forward to the future, whatever that may be. i think God wants to use our story to help other people. i don’t know how, or why, but i get the feeling that it will happen someday. so yeah, you might not be that “perfect guy” i thought existed. and people might not like us talking and they definitely won’t like us getting back together if the time comes, but i’m okay with that. in your imperfections, you are perfect because you are you. and that’s what matters.

[.simply put.]

it is enough that we are friends again. it’s a start. i don’t know where it will all lead, but that’s okay. i am glad that we’re in each other’s lives again. i’ve missed you.

“did you feel sorry for me? was i your charity case; is that why you asked me out? you figured you could toy with me until someone better came along and i wouldn’t mind because i was lucky someone like you wanted me. well you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you’re not right for? you fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different.”